My child has no friends

We are social beings. From the moment we are born we make distinction between the people around us, between relatives, friends and strangers, and start to communicate.

The friendships children have with each other are different than those they have with parents and relatives. Of course, learning and social support result from relationships with parents, teachers, and other adults. But they don’t substitute for other relationships and it is among other children that kids learn how to interact with equals.

Why friendships are important
Children need other children to learn valuable social skills. Through interaction with (school) friends they learn how to do things like join groups, make new friends and deal with competition and conflict. Children need friendships to develop their own indivduality by providing them a supportive context in which self-exploration, emotional growth, and moral development can occur.

But what should you do if your child is finding difficulties to make friends at school? Some children are very shy and may, even around kids they know fairly well, hesitate to comment or participate. Highly intelligent children may also have difficulty making friends. Their intelligence, especially in verbal language may make it difficult for other children to understand them. Sometimes children are behind in social development, and merely lack the skills required to make friends. Also causes like removing, problems at home, a new teacher, a new kid at school can the inhability to make friends.

Whatever the reason is, it is very important that you talk to the teacher about this. He or she will most likely be aware of this situation and may be able to give you information about any options available at school. More attention and guidance in the classroom towards both your child and the classmates can make the hughe difference.

What can you do?
Let your child know that you feel friendships are important.
Provide a safe and loving environment for your child, make him or her feels loved and supported.
Encourage your child to invite other kids at your home.
Organize nice things to do for your child and some schoolchildren like the pool or have an adventurous quest in your yard!
Respect your child’s social character; some children do best with a host of friends, and some do best with a few close friends.
Make arrangements for your family to spend time with another family that has a similar-age child.
Encourage your child to develop interest and hobbies that will help to build self confidence.
Encourage your child to seek out kids that are “friendly” in the classroom.
Help your child to meet new friends outside of school.

Do you have good suggestions for parents who are facing this problem or do you want to get your questions answered? Get involved! Join our Family Forum to talk about this issue (or other topics).

Are you the best Parent you could be for your child?

Parent as Leader,  Parent Leadership. What does it really mean? Do you think that as a parent you are also a leader and if so, how do you go about that?

I have always found the words Parent and Parenting to be very emotive. For me, they bring up a feeling of exhaustion, frustration and a feeling of being stuck. I’m not sure if this is only me but I have never found these words at all inspiring. Let’s face it, bringing a child into the word and caring for them, ensuring that they grow up to be a fine young adult is so much more than about parenting. I remember saying to someone ages ago that I am not a parent; I am a relationship builder and that felt much more freeing for me. I then went on to replace this with the word Leader; I am a leader for my child. To me that feels more like a task to take, a result to achieve, an inspiring outcome to work towards.

I then began thinking of the similarities between parent coaching and corporate coaching. You see, they are not much different. In executive coaching a person comes to a coach to grow and improve their leadership style, perhaps they need to step into a leadership role they feel uncomfortable in, or perhaps they need to make uncomfortable decisions as a leader. Well, parent coaching is the same thing; without knowing it, clients come to me because an area in their parent leadership needs developing. There is a place as a parent that they need to step into and they know it. Despite however many books you read, you will not find the answer to this. You see, most of the parenting books tell you what you need to do and not who you need to become to do it. That, I guess, is where my book differs and is why parents who read it feel relief, because they realise that actually, to change things at home they just need to make little adjustments. When we see ourselves as a leader we can see hope where before we saw, well let’s just say, our child not doing anything we say. When we see ourselves as a leader we make different choices. Like Benjamin Zander askes, “What am I doing that is not allowing this person to shine?” It puts everything in a different perspective.

A Parent Leader thinks differently and asks different questions of themselves and their child for example, instead of asking, “Why will my child not do anything I ask?” they will ask, “What do I need to do to teach my child responsibility?” Instead of, “What is wrong with my child and how can I fix this?” they will ask, “What do I need to change about my style to support my child in this result? Instead of “Why does my child always speak to me in this way?” they ask, “What am I doing that is allowing another person to treat me like this?” Instead of “I don’t think my child could handle that!” they ask, “If I believed my child could handle this, would I behave differently?”

As you can see, it is entirely a different mindset and as I am sure you can imagine, it produces different results than merely parenting, whatever that is anyway.

So how can you access your leadership and what is required of a good parent leader?

For this I want to turn to the great book, The Four Fold Way, which draws on ancient wisdom and I believe can show us the way forward. In ancient wisdom it was believed that to raise a well adjusted child, four types of leadership were required; the way of the Warrior, Teacher, Visionary and Healer. Now in ancient and past times, children would have gone to different people for these things and certainly within tribes, people would have been given these designated jobs. Think of your own childhood, who was the person you went to when you needed someone to be strong. What about when you needed to heal some pain or have someone gets excited about your future plans? Anyway, you see where I am going. Now in modern day society, this does not happen. Children don’t have these different people to go to so as the Parent, we need to search inside ourselves and learn to become all of them when our child needs us to.

So let’s look at them

The Warrior
The warrior is the one with strength in a crisis; someone who a child will go to for strength. Fundamentally, the warrior is someone who is truly present in the moment, shows honour and respect for all, communicates clearly and effectively, sets limits and boundaries and is responsible and disciplined. So how can you improve in this area?

1. Look at how you are fully present with your children and look at what you could change in this area.
2. Think of the word respect; we use it so much in terms of children and the lack of it. The term respect comes from the Latin word raspier which means the willingness to look again. The warrior is willing to take another look rather than remain stuck — are you, as a parent, willing to look again at the situation or at your child?
3. Clear communication – do you mean what you say and say what you mean? A misalignment between your words and actions always results in a loss of power and effectiveness.
4. The warrior knows how to be a flexible negotiator and is able to say no, this is my limit and yes, this is something I am willing to do.
5. Discipline means a discipline unto oneself, which is where we need to start. Do you honour your own rhythm?
6. Warriors use their power to empower themselves and others, not overpower.

The Healer
The healer will pay attention to what has heart and meaning and know that the power of love is the most potent healer. The healer is an expert in acknowledgment, acceptance, recognition, validation and gratitude.

So how can you improve in this area?

1. Remember not to run in and fix. Healing is a life-long journey in which the individual lesson must be learnt. Sometimes we must allow our children to take their own path.
2. Healing is all about true connection with another. What could you do to work on the connection you have?
3. Healers will embrace what they most fear and will not sweep things under the carpet. Healers learn to be patient and trust the process. Are you addicted to the need to know all the answers?
4. They have an ability to equally give and receive. How does this relate to you?

The Visionary
The visionary makes the truth visible and they seek and express truth. They tell the truth without blame or judgement and are authentic in all that they do.

1. Visionaries see things as they are, not how they want them to be but the truth of the situation. Where may you be lying to yourself as a parent? They never exaggerate situations to gain acceptance from others. If your child is someone who throws tantrums or blows things out of proportion, then they may have a strong need for acceptance.
2. They tell the truth in all situations; they understand that speaking their truth carries integrity, however they know that speech must be timely and in context. How do you tell yourself the truth and pick the right time and the right place?
3. Visionaries rely on their intuition and are lead by spirit. They know that they have what they need, they just need to remember. Where are you looking for outside sources to give you the support you need?
4. The visionary breaks down false-self systems and encourages people to be their true self.
5. They understand the importance of humour. When we lose our smile we can only see things that are not working and we get stuck in our way of seeing things — humour helps us break out and shake out of our one-track way of seeing the world, which closes us down to other possibilities.

The Teacher
Teacher teaches others to be wise. The teacher has wisdom, teaches trust and understands the needs for detachment.

1. How do you trust your child and show trust? Do your trust yourself? Without trust there is no ability for growth and accumulation of knowledge.
2. They never take action while they don’t have all the facts and will take time and wait and trust the correct answer will come to them. Where are you rushing in?
3. The teacher knows that you cannot control the uncontrollable and does not become attached to someone else’s result.
4. Teachers teach their wisdom but stay detached from the outcome. They know that when detached, we can calmly observe our reactions to the situation.
5. The teacher approaches new experience with wonder, excitement and curiosity. They do not handle the unfamiliar by becoming controlling and fearful.
6. Teachers are comfortable in silence and do not feel the need to fill the space.

What if your job as a parent was not to parent but just to develop these four areas more in your life. Does that feel different?
Sit down now and read through them, which ones are strong for you and which do you need to develop more? How can you go about getting the support you need to become the leader you need to be for your child?

About the Author: Sarah Newton helps parents de-mystify the world of the next generation. Through her coaching and consulting she helps parents engage and motivate their children without crushing their spirits. For tips and resources visit sarahnewtonblog.com and don’t forget to listen to her Radio Show.

Help your children deal with their emotions

OK, I recently got asked what to do when a 5-year-old is throwing a tantrum . . .

Now, having a tantrum thrower myself and successfully using coaching on her very effectively I jumped at the chance.

OK, so here are my thoughts.

This is what I believe parents can do before, during and after such tantrums . . .  I have written this as though it is for a 5-year-old, since that is what I was asked, however it will translate to the child years with different language.

Mindsets to move into:
1. Move into a “Yes” attitude. I have spoken to many great parents recently and they all seem to have this, they want to say yes to their children. Now this does not mean they get everything they want; it just means that we shift our mind to what we can do and not what we cannot do. For example, your child wants your attention right now. You want to say yes, so you choose your child over what you are doing, or you let them know what they can have.

“Mummy is just finishing this, would you like to sit next to me while I do it? What would you like to do for 5 minutes until Mummy can finish this and spend some time with you?” Your child is screaming for something they want . . . Food — “I would love to buy you that, but it is full of things that are not good for you. I love you and I want you to eat things that I can at least pronounce, lets find something that is more real.” Item- “That is so great; shall we put it on your birthday list? Wow, I love that, lets start saving for it; Mummy will give you $5 to start with and let’s see how quick we can save up!”

They key here is to say what we can do, not what we cannot do.

Children love resistance; it gives them something to fight against. Your job is to remain the adult, not throw fuel on the fire. And if you still get the “No I Want it Now!”, just stay calm, telling them that it is great they are so persistent (after all they will need this in life) and say something like, “Mummy is not willing to buy that now, but I am willing to . . .”

2. Let go of control. One of the most important mindsets you can move into is from control to choice. What we have to remember as parents is that we cannot make our child do anything; the more we try the more exhausted and angry we will get and the more defiant our child will become. All we can do is control our own reaction to what is occurring.

We can make a choice to react to the circumstances or we can make a choice to respond from a place of love. Whenever you are about to do something with or say something to your child, first ask yourself, “Will what I am about to do move me closer to our further away from my child?” If it further away, then don’t do it.

3. Do what is right, not what is easy. Most parents give in too soon and will take the easy option. Our child screams, so we give them what they want and they stop screaming. In this case, all we are doing is condoning them to carry on the behaviour. When we take the easy option we are not doing ourselves or our child any favours. Doing what is right and taking actions that are done to help our child form a conscience and build their character is not always easy, it is sometimes very painful. Let’s face it, we don’t like seeing our children in pain and we don’t like feeling that pain ourselves, either. However, we must stop giving into their smiles and whims and cries and start thinking about their welfare.

If what we doing is not instilling character and conscience, then perhaps we need to try something different. So what do you do in the midst of the tantrum?

I suggest following this four-step plan:
1. First tell your child what they are doing (e.g. “Darling, do you realise that you are shouting at Mummy?”)

2. Ask them to stop. (“Please stop shouting.” )

3. If they continue, ask what would help and show understanding. (“I can see how important this is to you. What do you need right now, how can Mummy help you?”)

4. Tell them what is going to happen. (“Mummy is just going to leave you in your room for a while until we can talk about this.” “Let’s just go back to the car until you feel better.” “I am just going to sit here quietly until you feel better.”)
Be careful here not to make this a punishment; it has to be positive. If your child is a teenager, then it is fine for us to say that if it continues you will have to walk away, however with smaller children we have to be more careful.
What we must remember is that what we are seeing is a display of emotion that your child does not know how to deal with at the moment. That is all; no bad reflection on our parenting, just the child displaying an emotion. I mean, how many times do we as parents want to scream and throw a tantrum? I know I want to do it often, however because I can handle my emotions I choose to deal with it another way. Our children have not learnt quite how to do that yet, so we must be sensitive to this fact.

If we stay calm and collected, then we are being a great role model for them in how to manage our thoughts. If we scream and shout, we are showing them that actually this is how you handle emotions, and they learn that this is the way to let it out.

What to do after:
I believe that after every outburst, there should be a reflection period; a period where you and your child discuss the situation and talk about ways in which you could handle this differently next time.

About the Author: Sarah Newton helps parents de-mystify the world of the next generation. Through her coaching and consulting she helps parents engage and motivate their children without crushing their spirits. For tips and resources visit sarahnewtonblog.com and don’t forget to listen to her Radio Show.

Parenting Tweens: Holding a Family Meeting

Parenting children and tweens can be a very challenging experience and holding family meetings can be a great way to lessen conflict. I want to share with you something that I have been doing now for months and have been working on with some of my clients; the concept of a “Family Meeting.”

I believe that a family is a team and when they work together in a collaborative way, they can achieve great things.

The concept is very easy and can be implemented with a child of any age. In my opinion, six years old is the right age to start and that is what I have found with my clients.

Family meetings started in my house because my daughter requested them. I am, as you can imagine, a very busy parent and as a family, we do not get a lot of time to discuss things as much as we should. My oldest daughter pulled me up one day, telling me that we never get time to talk about the important things and I realized that she was right . . . so the family meeting was born. Every Saturday we sit down for about 30 minutes and have our family meeting.

It is very simple and follows this process.

1. We each take it in turns to speak (Freya created her own talking stick for this).
2. We state something that we have loved over the last week with regards to the family and something that we want to change and open up for discussion. No one interrupts us and we state our side of the argument.
3. We discuss it as a family and come to an agreement.
4. At the end of the meeting we each commit to one thing we will change about ourselves to make the family run more smoothly next week.

My clients and I have found this to be a huge success and it works on many levels. Firstly, it shows our children that we think what they have to say is important and that they have a say in how the house is run. Secondly, it gives us a forum to discuss the more important things that cannot be dealt with in five minutes, therefore children stop nagging as they know that their issues will be dealt with. Thus it allows us all to discuss our feelings openly and without judgment. There are only two rules; we do not speak when someone else is talking and we do not blame anyone for anything, we can only say how something makes us feel.

It has worked a treat, so give it a try and see what happens.

Here is what one of my clients recently sent me about his meetings. “We are using family meetings to share updates on the move with our daughter. She is very involved in it all and knows what is happening. She stunned us on Sunday, pulling both of us up on our behaviour with a particular event and suggesting how we should have handled it. Amazing! It is hard to describe the inner smile and the value of it. She also asked how hard it will be to always wait for a meeting (which of course she now knows she doesn’t have to)”.

About the Author: Sarah Newton helps parents de-mystify the world of the next generation. Through her coaching and consulting she helps parents engage and motivate their children without crushing their spirits. For tips and resources visit sarahnewtonblog.com and don’t forget to listen to her Radio Show.

Tips for Kids Searching Safely Online (by Michelle Lee)

There are one or two computers in most homes these days. And most children want their own laptop and cell phone. With so much adult content available on the World Wide Web it is our duty as responsible parents to know what Web sites our kids are visiting and who they are talking to.

I want to protect my children from uncontrolled exposure to grown up topics like sex and drugs. These are subjects that should be learned about in the proper environment when the time is right, not from a Google search.

While planning a family vacation not long ago we did a simple search for “Disney”. A word associated with family fun brought up a naked woman with Mickey Mouse painted on her body. Guess what body parts were his ears. This shows how fast things can get x-rated!

Here are some practical tips we use in our home:

• Have your computer in a common area. Ours is in the office which viewable by everyone in the living room. In my opinion, a bedroom is no place for a computer that has Internet access. I feel the same way about TV’s too, but that is a different topic altogether.
• Set a time limit for computer usage and STICK TO IT! Don’t let the whining wear you down. You are the parent and ruler of all! On school nights each child has 30 minutes of fun free time on the internet. On weekends they are allowed more time. This limit doesn’t include time spent on the computer for homework or school projects.
• Learn how to limit and/or block access on your computers. (How you do this depends on what operating system or browser you use.) Our children have to ask permission to gain access to new sites by sending me an email. I can check out the site they want to visit then unlock access to it or block. Even sites like “YouTube” and “Google” are blocked.  Remember my Disney fiasco using Google?
• Keep track of passwords. If my children want to join something, like the popular social networking site MySpace, I must know their password.  Because they know I can pop over anytime to review their online activity they make more responsible decisions.
• Manage these social groups carefully. My children aren’t allowed to talk to anyone unless they know them in person. Their profile must be kept private, only for family and friends (that I approve of) to view. And no posting photos until they are approved by us. I really don’t care how good you think you look flashing that silly gang sign. It’s not going to be your profile picture.

All of the suggestions above work really well for our family. With everything now available at our children’s fingertips it is our responsibility to keep them safe.

Does this make me an unreasonable parent?  No, it makes me a responsible parent.  Are my children missing out?  No, they are given a safe environment to learn and grow.

If you have Internet safety suggestions please email me and I’d love to share it with my blog readers.

(Editor’s Note: using Glubble ensures that kids only see the content that their parents have first approved. Learn more through this 3-minute video or join Glubble for free today and enjoy a safe, fun way to use the Internet together)

About: Michelle Lee is the SuperMom behind the blog, “The Adventures of SuperMom” . With four children she is a self-proclaimed SuperMom and the founder of Kid Friendly Asheville.

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