Dr. Heather – Finger-Sucking in Preschoolers

Dear Dr. Heather,
My daughter is five-and-a-half and starts kindergarten in the fall. Though she’s not developmentally delayed, she is a bit emotionally immature. The thing is — she’s a finger sucker (the 3 middle fingers on her right hand). It doesn’t interfere with her play, but if her hands are not busy, her fingers are in her mouth. Even when she talks, I constantly have to say, “I can’t understand you if your fingers are in your mouth.” Her 3-year-old brother is a thumb-sucker himself, so that could complicate any attempt to get her to quit.

Quite frankly, this drives me BANANAS. But I don’t want to make her quit just to soothe my own self-consciousness or aggravation. If I do try to help her quit, how? Help me, BabyShrink!

Ellen D.

Dear Ellen,

While finger and thumb-sucking tends to subside naturally by age 4 or 5, it’s not uncommon for it to linger awhile longer. We expect a kindergartener to behave like other elementary-aged kids. But ask a teacher. Kindergarteners and first graders are really closer, developmentally, to preschoolers. At this age, kids still don’t care how they appear to others. Social pressure to fit in doesn’t start until closer to age 6 or 7. That’s what will probably be more important to her over time; what her friends say about the finger sucking. Until then, there’s not much you can do to stop it, and you’ll have to Find A Way To Ignore It. Look away, take a deep breath, and do something else.

Isn’t it amazing how well our very young children have the ability to find the exact habit that makes us nuts? My current struggle is with our 2-year-old. He doesn’t suck his fingers, (which probably wouldn’t bother me much), but he very deliberately throws food from his highchair. (And he has good aim now, too.) That’s what drives ME bananas. And the more I try to make him stop, the worse it gets. I’m not saying your daughter does it on purpose to annoy you. But I am amazed at how often our kids’ behaviors push exactly the wrong button with us.

Young children have such little control in their worlds. They’re physically small. They aren’t very coordinated. They’re not allowed to do a ton of cool-looking stuff. Their bodies and minds develop so quickly from day to day, they have no idea what they can (or can’t) accomplish at any particular time. And at any moment, they’re liable to get picked up without warning and taken somewhere they don’t wanna go. Their independence is developing, and yet it’s often thwarted. You can’t blame them for trying to establish some sense of power and control in their life.

That’s why they need self-soothing strategies; funky little habits that help them feel better about the lack of control and chaos they experience in daily life. These self-soothing strategies are also selected partly to aggravate us, as parents. It’s your kid’s way of saying, You may be able to have 90% control of me, but this 10% is all about me. The fact that it annoys you may be what makes it so powerful to your daughter. It’s her way of saying, I finally have some control here! I can get Mommy really bananas about this finger sucking thing!

As a child psychologist, I’m not usually worried about the young kids who have developed weird, annoying self-soothing strategies. I DO worry about the kids who are too compliant and too easy, at this age. Their budding sense of independence needs to be appreciated and given room to grow. So my advice is this – Pick Your Battles. And only pick the ones you can WIN. This one, you won’t win. I mean, is there any strategy or technique that actually works to make a kid stop sucking their thumb or fingers? And more importantly, is that technique worth the price you will pay, psychologically?

If you look up solutions to finger and thumb sucking on the internet, you will come across sites that suggest aversive techniques such as using nasty-tasting things, or even installing dental appliances. YIKES! While these techniques may physically stop the offending behavior, I’m really alarmed at the kind of emotional and psychological damage they could inflict. What kind of message does that send to your child? Your self-soothing strategies are so offensive to me that I will pull out the big guns to make you stop. Your efforts at learning to be independent are going to be crushed. This could set the stage for a complete withdrawal of the drive for independence, resulting in a regressed, passive child. It also could simply press the “pause” button on asserting independence, and then you’ll have major power struggles later, when you can’t simply pick them up like a football anymore. I’ve seen too many difficult therapy cases of 10 and 12-year-olds who are only starting to rebel after having their spirits crushed as toddlers. And then, the rebellion is far worse.

So hang in there, with understanding for the struggles your daughter is experiencing. You should always check with your pediatrician if you have any concerns, but by and large, weird and annoying toddler/preschooler behavior is almost always transitory, and almost always normal. And enjoy this last summer before her first “real” year of school! They grow so fast! (sniff!)

Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

About the Author: Dr. Heather is the BabyShrink! She is a licensed psychologist, and blogs about parent and child development at BabyShrink.com. Dr. Heather gives practical parenting advice and information based on scientific research, and an understanding of the day-to-day realities of busy families. She’s also the mother of three young children, and lives in Hawaii.

Shining A Light On Our Members: What Parents Are Saying About Glubble

In last week’s column I talked about how families from all over the world—across six continents, in over 125 countries—are enjoying Glubble. (If you haven’t already, make sure and get the downloadable Glubble Family Global Map we featured in that column—and quiz your kids on geography!).

But at the end of the year, when we’re reflecting on how far we’ve come—including launching a new Edition that gives families their very own online activity center, creating the GlubbleParents Forum for members to give feedback and meet other parents and developing GlubbleNews to provide parents with ongoing tips and advice–I want to turn the focus from our milestones to our members.

After all, our members are what we are most proud of. And I want to shine a light on some of the words that Glubble members have kindly shared with us… as these words have made our hard work so very worthwhile.

Eugene from The Republic of Korea writes:

“More and more I’m coming to see that Glubble isn’t mostly about restriction. That’s extremely important, true (and it’s the reason I installed it), but the larger idea is about enabling participation together in a wholesome *and interesting* environment. With Glubble I can participate with my daughter at home while I’m on the computer at the school I work, or when she is unavailable to me at her school, or after she is asleep. It’s like sending love notes back and forth.

Don’t mention the fact that we users are being given input into the formation and development of the tools we find so important — the interaction it stimulates between the adults and the kids is what I’d call Web 2.0 at its best!”

And Billy from the USA writes this:

“I believe this is the best approach to web access for kids I’ve ever seen. Older kids will need something different but for 12 and below this is on the right track. Those who want an install-and-forget method need to realize that no such method will work. Something like Glubble that REQUIRES parental involvement is the only answer.

I intend to tell ALL of my friends and family members about this service and try to swell your numbers as much as I can. Again, THANK YOU for providing such a wonderful service.”

This positive feedback not only reflects happy users, it underscores how Glubble is enabling parents to get more involved with their children’s use of the Internet. And through their involvement, they’re turning a solo activity into a shared experience for the entire family. That makes for happy parents, excited kids and a lot of smiling faces over here at Glubble .

With that said, in looking ahead to 2009, we want to keep hearing from you! It’s how we improve, how we generate new ideas and how we know which features are most important to your family. Thank you for making this year so special and for sharing your good experiences; we can’t wait to delight your family even more in the coming year.

If you’re not yet a Glubble member, we invite your family to start learning, playing and discovering together in a safe environment. Learn more through this 3-minute video, or sign-up for free here.

Changing the World… One Glubble Family At A Time! (Bonus Activity)

It’s official, Glubble Families are found in all four corners–and spread across six continents–of the world. Already in over 125 countries, we’re growing across the globe every single day.

From Australia to Argentina, Britain to Belgium, Chile to China, India to Indonesia, Iran to Ireland, South America to South Africa, the U.K to the USA, Egypt, Russia, Algeria, Tunisia, Morocco and many more countries are home to Glubble Families!

While we all have our own families and we may live far from each other, we actually have a lot in common. After all, Glubble isn’t just an online activity center; it’s a way for parents to “get involved!” by using all that the Internet has to offer while bringing their families closer.

And because Glubble promotes parental involvement, families are assured choice. From choosing which sites their kids will love and learn from, to inviting grandparents, cousins and friends that live in distant cities to be a part of their family’s network, parents are involved in every part of their children’s online experience.

We’ll continue to add features and functions that will make your Glubble experience even better—but, like you, we’ll always focus on family.  So we guess you could say that we want to change the world… one Glubble Family at a time.

Learn the World With Your Kids: here’s a family activity for you to enjoy and for your family to learn from: print out this PDF of the “Glubble Family Global Map” and pin it up on a wall in your child’s room so that you and your kids can learn world geography.

Each week, you and your children can learn new countries through a few minutes of time together. You can even point to countries and “quiz the kids” by asking which country it is. Soon the world won’t seem so big!

Thank you, wherever you live, for supporting Glubble (it means the WORLD to us!).

Psst!: If you would like to meet fellow parents and make new friends from near and far,
please join our GlubbleParents Forum. And if you’re just learning about Glubble and want to be a Glubble Family too, you can sign-up for free here and learn more through this 3-minute video here.

Get Involved…It’s a Family Thing!

At Glubble we know one thing for certain: only parents know which Web sites are appropriate for their children. And suitable content differs for each child, and at different ages.  Just as parents choose which books to read to their children—and approve which TV shows and movies they’re allowed to watch—the same parental oversight applies to the Internet.

That’s why Glubble lets parents pre-approve the Web sites their children visit, and even approve different sites for children of different ages.  And since Glubble is safe, families no longer have to worry and they can now focus on FUN.

But that’s only part of the story.  The other part is parental involvement.

In October we partnered with Highlights, the best-read children’s magazine in America, on a survey polling more than 500 parents about their children’s online activities and level of involvement.

We’ve just released the results, but we’ll be looking at the responses in more detail through a series of posts over the next two weeks.

For now, please enjoy the survey’s top-line results (PDF) and also review The Top 10 Tips for keeping Kids Safe (and Happy!) Online (PDF).

If you’re not yet a Glubble member, we invite your family to start learning, playing and discovering together in a safe environment. Learn more through this 3-minute video, or sign-up for free here.