Family Man® “On the Loose” By Gregory Keer

I have a bad stomach. Some of it is due to my inability to digest dairy products and Indian food, but most of it stems from stress. Days before a deadline or hours before a public speaking appearance, my tummy plays host to a band of demonic scientists gleefully mixing chemicals to see which combination’s create the grandest explosions.

But it’s not the big anxieties that trouble me most. It’s the countless little ones that buzz around my nervous system each time I try to do my work well enough to keep my job, take a frantic trip to my kids’ schools to pick them up on time, and compose a column that keeps people from dropping off to sleep. (If you’re still awake, you might notice the perspiration beads dotting the spaces between the words on this page.)

While I derive some benefit from the adrenaline that keeps me striving to be my best, what really bothers me (see, more anxiety!) is that I am not modeling the right attitude for my children. Yelling at the computer map directions when I can’t find the house for a birthday party, barking at the kids when they don’t put away their Converse All-Stars, and snipping at my wife about who does more of the kitchen clean-up might be fine if these cracks in the armor appeared occasionally. However, they show up way too often and send my children the message that sweating the small stuff is OK.

I should know better, right? Like everyone else, I have Dr. Phil and aisles of self-help books to tell me that stress kills and life is too short to persistently beat myself up over imperfection. Given this public opportunity to announce my annual New Year’s resolution, I confess to being worried (there it is, again) if I can actually achieve my promise to be less tightly wound.

Yet, hope springs from my very own children, who aren’t all that anxious. Ari’s still in preschool, but he already has a devil-may-care attitude that projects favorably for his older years. How else can I explain the way he carelessly grins as I holler about the beverages he purposely spills at home and in my car? Jacob, who used to closely approximate my neurotic nature, has become serene as he takes on the big tasks of first grade. Formerly, he would tantrum or shove a kid who messed up his art project. Now, he shrugs and makes a new drawing.

My oldest, Benjamin, has developed a relatively breezy view on life that I envy. Whenever he hurts a friend’s feelings, he smoothes things over by nightfall with a sincere apology. If he gets in trouble at school for talking too much in class or earns poor marks because he forgets to turn in homework assignments, he promises nothing, telling us that he’ll “try to do better.” For a while, it drove me nuts that he seemed so nonchalant about his slip-ups; that he rarely wilted when I lectured him about making an effort. How could a child with my genes not get twisted with concern about fixing everything?

The answer is that Benjamin simply goes ahead and does more than try. It’s not that things come easy to him; he cares about others and works hard. It’s just that he never overthinks anything, opting to let actions speak more loudly than anxiety attacks.

So, why can’t I be more like my kids? I could get weighed down by the logic that my children don’t have the burdens of adult responsibility. They have the luxury of thinking that, no matter what mistakes they make, there is still fun ahead. They won’t lose a job, no one will break up with them, and no one will tell them their cholesterol is too high so they can’t have the whole portion of bread pudding.

But should any of those reasons stop me from goofing around for the sake of goofing around like Ari, shrugging off the barriers others put in my way and moving forward like Jacob, and thinking less about learning from my mistakes and just doing it like Benjamin? My stomach says this is the year to find out.

© 2009 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is an award winning syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. He is the publisher of FamilyManOnline.com,
one of the most widely read fatherhood e-zines. His Family Man® column appears in publications across the country. He also contributes to the Fox News Channel, Washington Post Radio, USA Today, Newsday, Disney’s Family.com, StorkNet.com, and Parenthood.com. As an educator, Keer teaches English and serves as a dean of students for a high school in California. He and his wife are the proud and frequently outsmarted parents of three sons. Keer can be reached at www.familymanonline.com.

Family Man® “Room to Roam” By Gregory Keer

A recent study done in England suggests that 21st century kids are losing out on the health benefits of nature and space because they do not get out enough. The report’s author, Dr. William Bird (nice last name for a nature lover), “has compiled evidence that people are healthier and better adjusted if they get out into the countryside, parks or gardens. Stress levels fall within minutes of seeing green spaces, he says. Even filling a home with flowers and plants can improve concentration and lower stress.”

The study is all the more interesting when paired with another bit of new research that  shows how much exercise improves the mood of kids (a long-known finding regarding adults). In today’s world of indoor amusements (mostly of the electronic variety), it isn’t easy to get some kids to go outside. We are also dealing with our own fears of letting kids go out to play unsupervised and the annoyance of having to drive them to a park.

However, what these studies remind us, as modern parents in a complicated and sometimes scary world, is that we must find ways to get our children the outdoor time with nature and exercise for their mental and physical benefit. To accomplish this, we need to do things like simply sending our kids into our home backyards or front yards for at least a half-hour a day (weather and other schedule conflicts providing). We should depend on neighbors, friends, and family to help supervise these outings and other fresh-air activities at parks. We could also do justice to our own well being by taking walks with our children around the neighborhood and hikes through woods or mountains.

Although we are all challenged by tight schedules, we need to work toward freeing our young ones up to run and jump and climb. It’s what they are meant to do, by their natures. They can still have their time with their computer and video play, but adding back the benefits of the outdoors needs to be a priority.

© 2009 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is an award winning syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. He is the publisher of FamilyManOnline.com,
one of the most widely read fatherhood e-zines. His Family Man® column appears in publications across the country. He also contributes to the Fox News Channel, Washington Post Radio, USA Today, Newsday, Disney’s Family.com, StorkNet.com, and Parenthood.com. As an educator, Keer teaches English and serves as a dean of students for a high school in California. He and his wife are the proud and frequently outsmarted parents of three sons. Keer can be reached at www.familymanonline.com.

Family Man® “MLK Day Precedes Special Inauguration” By Gregory Keer

It’s only fitting that a day celebrating the life and work of Martin Luther King, Jr., comes before the inauguration day of our first African American president. These days are made more inspiring following my biannual trip to various Southern U.S. states with a group of high school students. We made the journey, visiting numerous Civil Rights locations, including the Rosa Parks Museum and the Southern Poverty Law Center in Montgomery, Alabama, and the Ebenezer Baptist Church where Martin Luther King, Jr., preached in Atlanta, Georgia. Seeing all of these places last November, right after the nationwide election, was deeply moving for my students and I.

But no place held more significance for me than the Lorraine Motel, now housing the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, Tennessee. Please forgive my sentimentality, but the place has real power, particularly on the upper floor where the room King stayed in is preserved. There, as I looked through the glass that separates visitors from the spot where King was assassinated for peacefully challenging discrimination, I felt like I was touching the bottom of a deep lake of hatred, only to spring back up on the knowledge that our country had looked beyond race to elect a person based mostly on his accomplishments and ideals.

And so, we parents have a unique two days on January 19 and 20, 2009. They are 48 hours in which we can teach our children about equality and human progress through our personal stories, great books, music, videos, and a television broadcast of the Presidential Inauguration. There are so many resources to choose from, but here are a few. If You Lived at the Time of Martin Luther King is a wonderful book for older kids and Martin’s Big Words: The Life of Martin Luther King, Jr. , is great for younger ones. The latter book is also part of an inspiring video on African-American culture from Scholastic Video . Look for classic songs about the Civil Rights movement and listen to contemporary musician Will.I.Am’s Barack Obama-inspired song, “Yes We Can” in music and on video . And, of course, watch the inauguration together, live on TV, on YouTube, or recorded.

May we all enjoy this pinnacle in our nation’s march toward true equality and may it help bring us enduring peace for ourselves, our children, and all future generations.

© 2009 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is an award winning syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. He is the publisher of FamilyManOnline.com,
one of the most widely read fatherhood e-zines. His Family Man® column appears in publications across the country. He also contributes to the Fox News Channel, Washington Post Radio, USA Today, Newsday, Disney’s Family.com, StorkNet.com, and Parenthood.com. As an educator, Keer teaches English and serves as a dean of students for a high school in California. He and his wife are the proud and frequently outsmarted parents of three sons. Keer can be reached at www.familymanonline.com.

Family Man® “The Laugh Track” By Gregory Keer

Somewhere in the traffic jam of the last year, I lost control of my favorite vehicle of parent-child bonding: making my kids laugh. I became so wrapped up in the relentless responsibilities of life that my funny bone resembled a car wreck.

Rather than find a moment to engage in a tickling game, I found myself hustling my kids from dinner to bed, racing against a buzzer signaling the end of my daily energy. Instead of reading funny books or singing silly songs, I was getting the kids ready for a gym class or soccer practice or just shushing them to keep the noise down. I was just too stressed and irritable to find much humor in my family life.

Then, one autumn night after a hectic workweek, we were having dinner with friends. We had eaten well, the kids had been playing beautifully, and we were finishing dessert. I noticed how much Benjamin and his buddy David chuckled at the way my middle son, Jacob, secretly horded all the unclaimed cake from around the table. I couldn’t help laughing too, and this just sent the kids into more hysterics. And something about the dessert and feeling of seeing them so happy reminded me of a favorite Bill Cosby skit.

“Do you guys know the story of “Chocolate Cake,” I asked.

“No! Tell it, Daddy, tell it!” Benjamin shouted.

“Well, this guy, Bill, gets awakened by his wife and is told to make breakfast for his children,” I begin, recounting the skit imperfectly. “He goes downstairs and doesn’t know what to make, since he doesn’t usually cook. When his little daughter comes down, Bill asks, “What would you like for breakfast?” The little girl responds, “Chocolate cake!?”

Benjamin and David giggled giddily at this, encouraging me all the more.

“So Bill stops, looks at the cake on the counter behind him, and thinks, “Eggs, milk, wheat — Nutritious! Chocolate cake is good for you!”

The boys busted up again.

“One slice of chocolate cake coming up!” And I did the Cosby special effect of cutting the delicacy, “Jjjooom!”

Jacob loves special effects, so this had his raspy giggle chiming in as the kids laughed all the way through the story, falling over each other, and watching me with tears in their eyes. Frankly, as I looked at my own sons, I too welled up, joyful as the cause of their glee.

They made me tell the skit a couple more times that night and Benjamin badgered me to rehash it the next day too. Decades after being that little boy watching Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids and listening to Wonderfulness, I was standing in Bill Cosby’s shoes, fully aware of the importance of amusing children.

It’s so essential to me that my New Year’s resolution is to make the kids laugh every day.

For all the pride I have in helping to provide food, shelter, education, and a few lessons on character, nothing beats the bond of laughter. When I make my kids giggle, it lets them know that the big, older guy who forces them to eat their dinner and do their homework can connect with them on a basic level of instantaneous bliss.

Now, I know there will be days I don’t want to be funny, but it’s an ambition worth pursuing, because it makes me as happy as they are. The task is made easier by all the resources at my disposal. Taking my subject matter from their conversations, any crazy noises, character voices, mentions of the word “poopie,” or imitations of babies gets them rolling in the aisles. If I don’t have the energy to tickle the kids, tell jokes, or otherwise be silly on my own, I can sit with them and listen to old Cosby albums (now available for download at various online stores). I can watch comedy movies, from old (Danny Kaye’s The Court Jester) to new (the unbeatable Shrek flicks). I can read hilarious books (Peggy Rathmann’s visual comedy is brilliant in Officer Buckle and Gloria).

This is not to mention that my kids are pretty darn funny on their own. All I have to do is play the straight man and I’m golden. Benjamin has a genius belly laugh, but Jacob is the real comic in the family. He has the facial expressions of a Jim Carrey and the rakish charm of a Cary Grant. The other night, he placed his ragged blanket on my head and told me, “Daddy, you look like a beauuutiful girl.”

Yes, I will endure any and all jokes at my expense as long as my children giggle. I may not always be able to inspire their chuckles, but I have no intention of getting off the laugh track.

© 2009 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is an award winning syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. He is the publisher of FamilyManOnline.com,
one of the most widely read fatherhood e-zines. His Family Man® column appears in publications across the country. He also contributes to the Fox News Channel, Washington Post Radio, USA Today, Newsday, Disney’s Family.com, StorkNet.com, and Parenthood.com. As an educator, Keer teaches English and serves as a dean of students for a high school in California. He and his wife are the proud and frequently outsmarted parents of three sons. Keer can be reached at www.familymanonline.com.

Family Man® “Daddy Time After Work” By Gregory Keer

Even in today’s era of enlightened fathers who are very involved in their children’s lives, it can be hard to transition to the dad role after work. Here are a few tips that work for me and have worked for a few friends in the same situation:

1. Make a List of Work Stuff

You’re heading home from work and all you can think about is what you didn’t finish at the office, how much you have to do that night, and whether it’s time to ask for that raise or not. In other words, you’re not thinking about the family. Since you do want to make the transition to the family portion of your day, try making a list of everything you need to do for work that night or the next day before you leave the office. This puts a summary on the day so you can start thinking about the home hours. If you want, before you leave the office, make another list of what you want to do with the family once you get home. When you get home, you’ll be better focused on your kids.

2. Call Home On the Way

Before you leave or on your cell phone in the car, call your partner or other child-care provider (or at least your answering machine) to see if you have messages or mail you should know about before you get home. You can also ask to talk to your kids to start the “home” transition in the car or before you leave the office. Once you get home, put your briefcase away, take off your shoes, and ignore the mail, the computer, and the phone. Your kids are now the priority.

3. One-Minute Daddying

When you get home, hug and kiss each kid and ask how his or her day went. If they ignore you, make them sit down with you for one minute per kid. You can sit at the kitchen table for a cup of juice to help settle everyone down, if need be.

4. Alone Time

Given the challenge of just dropping into that daddy role right when you walk in the door, you might try taking 5-10 minutes by yourself to close your eyes, check mail, change clothes, or even meditate. Your kids may be clambering for your attention, but if you make this a pattern that involves being more relaxed with them when you’re finished with alone time, they’ll appreciate it.

5. Reconnecting Activities

If you’re home before dinner, try grabbing a ball to take outside with the kids or just pick up a book to read with them to detox from the work day and settle in for the night with the family. No one can do this every day, but try to keep work out of the picture until the kids go to bed and you’ll feel good about your time with them.

Whether you try one or more of these suggestions, remember that you’ll have some days on which you’ll be more successful than others at making the work-to-home transition. As long as you interact with your kids — talking or playing or helping with homework — you’ll make a consistent impression on your children that you happy to be home with them.

© 2009 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is an award winning syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. He is the publisher of FamilyManOnline.com,
one of the most widely read fatherhood e-zines. His Family Man® column appears in publications across the country. He also contributes to the Fox News Channel, Washington Post Radio, USA Today, Newsday, Disney’s Family.com, StorkNet.com, and Parenthood.com. As an educator, Keer teaches English and serves as a dean of students for a high school in California. He and his wife are the proud and frequently outsmarted parents of three sons. Keer can be reached at www.familymanonline.com.